Essay Revision 3/4

To Trust or Not to Trust? That is the Question

It was the sweet smell of October in the year 2008. The leaves had began to fall on the ground and get crushed by the people walking over them making that crisp crackling sound that reminded everyone that the summer was over and the chill was coming back. The wind blew from the parking lot and quickly whirled over the bridge, slowed down a bit and glided over the small rivers and across the surface of the cool long path that led to the older college residence halls. The people would carry the wind in with them as they rushed in to close the door to get into the warmth. However, there was still a little chill that followed them to their rooms. It got smaller but the thrill was still in the smallness. They brought it into their sleeping place where their friends would be. The friend’s face would scrounge up and they’d say, “Woooh it’s cold outside huh?” There, in one of these old hall rooms, was I, a young lady that commuted and really wanted to see what the hype was about living on campus. I wanted the independency of living on my own during my sophomore year of college since my whole freshman year passed so fast. Everyone had been telling me how much fun it was and I wanted to check it out for myself.  I really didn’t want to stay at home and continue to live the same life I was living in high school. I had nothing to lose but all to gain. On campus there weren’t the responsibilities that my mom had me doing and there were guys so why not? I stayed on campus with someone before but that was on the couch and it was a little bitter because it was in my guy friend’s room. His girlfriend at the time thought that I wanted her man which I did, but I never gave evidence for her to back it up and I wasn’t a home-wrecker so she had nothing to worry about.  So I had fun besides the loud dramatized arguing and slamming doors that in the next room. So this next time I stayed in my good girl friend’s room. There was four, two sets of two girls and one from each set that met in the middle, and we had all just came from a club for college students. Three of us came back to the school and we talked about how fun the club was and looked over the pictures we took. It was all so exciting because this was pretty much our first college clubbing experience.

Asia, my best friend, just started dating someone after going through a bad break up; his name was Glen. They eventually became official and still are together now. I had fin at the club and was having a good time hanging out with my friends, but then when I saw how they were hugged up and cuddling I wanted someone for me. So I asked my friend’s new man, “Do you have someone that can come chill with us over here for me?” He replied too quickly, “Oh yeah I do.” Not knowing that he was serious, within five minutes there was a knock on the door and when it was opened in the doorway stood a light skinned young-man, nicely built with a cute face and whose eyes told all that was on his mind; at the moment it had to me. I had asked for him, and presto, there he was. Be careful what you wish for. He came into the room with a soft step and I followed him with my eyes.  I couldn’t help but giggle because I didn’t think he was serious about inviting this guy over. He came with another friend that was walking behind him, but all eyes were on tall dark and handsome so no one noticed his friend. He walked in like he knew everybody but I was sure he didn’t know anyone in the room yet. When my face showed this his face became a little shy.  He looked like he had it all going for himself. It was hard to see otherwise because couldn’t get passed the strong stench of handsome he had on. Later on in the night he introduced himself as Ryan.

We all had a little to drink, but I didn’t have as much as everyone else; I wasn’t much of a drinker.  We all surrounded the table with chairs and our bodies. Because of the wine we opened up more comfortably to each other. We just came from the club and I had something on my mind so I figured why not bring it up for conversation. I opened up the floor about how men at the club go for girls that have nice bodies and show it off by wearing belly-shirts and show their breast, but they don’t go for females that go to the club wearing shirts that don’t show anything or pants that aren’t low or tight enough like her like me. My exact words were, “I’m a Christian young lady and I conduct myself accordingly. Guys don’t go for girls like me.” Confident, Ryan says , “Well I’m a Christian too and from the time I walked in, I’ve been thinking you’re beautiful. I’m dark-skinned but everyone could tell that I was blushing. I tried to laugh it off without showing too many teeth of course, and I said thank you to him. We had to keep up the entertainment so we put some music on. Ryan grasped me from behind like he knew what he was doing and made his way to my face so our breasts were face to face. The he shocked me and asked me a question like he’s known me for years. “Do you trust me?” I wasn’t sure if I heard him over the music, or if the liquor was saying something to me, so I asked him to repeat himself and I heard him correctly. I hesitantly but willingly from the rush of spontaneity responded, “Yeah.” He took my hands, flipped me over a full 360 degrees, and caught me on his two legs in a squatting position with resting my legs on his, and then started dancing again while I was still on him. Drunk, but aware I thought this was the best night of my life.

At the end of that night I got his number and he rushed out of the room what seemed to be for something urgent. We rarely talked on the phone and I started to get aggravated because he was my cup of tea and he thought I was cute but that’s all we knew about each other. Here was this guy I had never seen in my life but now I was thinking about him whenever I had a chance. My virgin mind was more full of imagination than those with minds of experience. Whenever I saw him walking by my heart raced faster than I could handle and I could barely look at him. The only time I was free without being so nervous was over the phone.  I started to have questions, and I would ask them because mentally, I had nothing to lose. Words were nothing but words.  But, I wasn’t thinking about the actions that usually back up those words.

One night on the phone there was one question I wish I wish I never asked and would have paid more attention to the response he gave. “Why don’t you ever want to chill? I’m a big girl, I can handle myself.” “I’m not good for you. You don’t want somebody like me. You’re a good Christian girl and I would be nothing but a bad influence on you.” Of course I didn’t listen and ended up hanging out with him sooner than later to find out for myself; the definition of a female.

Two weeks after the night I met Ryan, Residence Life gave me an exciting call informing me that they had a room for me on campus and I moved in as soon as I could get her stuff into my mom’s car. I got acquainted with my roommates and was finally in the land of learning.

Ryan and Glen invited Asia and I over to hang out. But little did I know that that meant spending the night. So we dressed up all cute and put on smell goods that would drag people’s noses with them until the sent faded away. We were nervous but tried to hide it. We had girl pep talk before and during that walk over to the other building. We must have done a good job getting cute because as soon as we got into the room two sets of eyes caught onto our bodies. Glen didn’t care, but Ryan seemed to manage some type of control that would let someone with experience know that he’s done this before. Both pairs had their small talk. Soon after, the guys, being somewhat on one accord, made comments suggesting that we were too dressed up to stay over and that the clothes we had on weren’t night clothes. Of course now me and Asia wanted to go back and change, because this was what the guys wanted us to do, and it wasn’t so hard of a task. When I went back to my room to change I was as nervous as ever. I met back up with Asia and trembled back to their room. By the time we got back Glen was in his room A and Ryan was in his room C; so me and Asia parted. Ryan and I talked for an hour about nothing and it was good. Soon after, Ryan had to go to bed because he had to get up in the morning to handle some business. When we went to sleep the first time together it was uncomfortable for me because this wasn’t my kind of thing, staying the night with a guy I’ve only had conversation with several times and saw only once in person. So I stayed up the entire night staring at him until he felt my eyes burning through him. He woke up and we talked some more. I found out some things that made me even more uncomfortable and harder for me to keep up my front that I was cool with all of this. The next time we went to sleep together it was a little less uncomfortable until he started touching me in his sleep. He tried to hold me and I didn’t know what to do, so I just let him do that because I didn’t think it was that bad. The third night we stayed together he started doing other things. I was intrigued because he was a little older but a little scared at the same time. I didn’t know if I should let him touch me. All I could think about was the fact that I was in his blow up bed and how I was the one that came over to his room. How awkward was that?

Time flew by and absolutely nothing was happening between him and me.

 A month passed by and instead of keeping him on my mind I went dorm hopping with a few of my friends. I couldn’t help but think of him for some time of the day; how he asked to her to come to his room at such specific times of the day, how it was a little annoying to not be able to say his name in public while we were on the phone , how he went around secretly finding out information about me without people knowing that we were dating, how he called when he wanted and responded to texts when he saw fit in his busy life, how he would disappear for seven to ten days at a time, but how I still wanted to see him. I was a little tipsy and happened to be in his building and on his floor while dorm hopping. He opened the door because he heard us in the hallway. Of course I acted oblivious like I didn’t know I was on his floor, but went in his room anyway. Why not? A few of us girls and some guys danced and laughed until me and him ended up in a bedroom. He laid me down on the bed but wasn’t stupid. A girl came into the room that we both knew and said, “Oops my bad I’m sorry,” while standing there in awe. He shouted, “We’re just talking!”  I just laughed because I thought it was funny how he had to make an effort to explain to someone else his own business; I was catching onto his game. After whispering some sweet nothings in my ear to try to make me forget that someone just entered the room, he revealed a piece of meaty skin on my body that I was self-conscious about. I tried to stop him but he was quick with his slickness and smooth with his touch and graceful with his movements and smart with his words. He started to caress my pocketbook with his hands, and then like a little kid with no hands. I yelped, “Ryan no!”

He replied, “Shhh, I wouldn’t do that to you. You told me that you don’t want to do that and I wouldn’t do that until you’re ready.”

His words came out so quick to me and I relaxed. His hands went up my stomach passed my belly button and to my breasts. He teased them as he pleased me with no hands. By the end of the night I gained some sort of trust for him and slept comfortably with him that night.

Another month passed by and he really wanted to see me. Despite his busy schedule and all, he managed to come to my room and spend the night with me until the next afternoon. I wish this afternoon never happened. We woke up and all was well. I trusted him. He told me he wanted to please me by showing me through his actions, but now I trusted him so it was ok.  I trusted him. He massaged my middle and said, “Let me try something new. Turn over to your side.” So I followed instructions… I felt his fingers more widely and wildly today. I was a little uncomfortable but not in pain so I let him continue trying something new. All I could keep my mind on was that I trusted him. He turned me back over to where he was on top of me. She trusted him. We had a talk about how I wanted things to happen when it did. I wanted to be in love, she wanted to be with the guy for more than a year, I wanted to be comfortable; I wanted it to be real. I felt his fingers again but something was different. He put his hands on mine and looked at me in my eyes. I still felt his fingers. I felt his hands grabbing my hands. He grasped my hands tighter. I grasped his hands as if I was reading brail to understand that they were hands. They were… I covered my face as he tried his hardest to beg and plea. I could barely feel my life. Everything was nothing.

“Baby, baby, look at me please.”

I looked at him with the rest of the life I had left and said, “I trusted you.” One tear came out of my right eye. I felt like shit.